Sunday, July 18, 2004

Last Year This Time, This Time Next Year.

i started playing this game with myself some years ago. i would suddenly one random day try to think back as to exactly what situation in life i was in a year ago today. And then i would try to imagine how different next year this time would be in my life. there was a point in life when i wrote every single day in detail. i would write about what i wore, how it made me feel, what impact someone one comment had on my day, who said what to me. oh yes, i had a log of my life in painfully excruciating detail. sometimes when i read back,  i actually find myself wincing at the whims and fancies on which i have lived my life. and at other time i find myself laughing at the sheer variety of experience ive managed to capture in my daily ramblings to myself and God.  but over time the quantity of the writing decreased and i would like to believe the qulaity increased as i became more selective in who and what even deserved a mention in what i wrote. nevertheless, i still play my game. to keep remembering how far i have really come.  last year this time, i was burnt out. work was crazy. summer was not just summer-like and there wasnt a hint of magic on the horizon. i was emotionally and physically exhausted from my project deadlines, from my cousins second wedding, which took place amidst intense drama (but happy ending eventually) and from the sheer routine i felt myself falling prey to helplessly. i had no idea my life was about to take a twisting turn. looking back i can see myself, harassed and tired, thinking that august will herald more work as the school semester would start and i would go back to teacher mode. i can see myself tired. i can see myself ready to just keep bobbing along in the sea of work id surrounded myself in. i can see myself teetering on the edge of a collapse. little did i know last time this year that the second half of the 2003 would turn out to be a small miracle. little did i know that in store for me was the adventure of a lifetime. an 8-week journey that would begin some of the biggest changes in myself.   But now looking back, i smile. i smile at my short sightedness at that time, so unhappy or so content in my "now" moments. i smile as i remember how unsuspectingly i was doddering around, when the chance of a lifetime landed in my lap... and now today as i sit and write this blog, i smile and realize that this time next year, when i  look back, i will have even more to smile about.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

snap crackle pop....sssssss

pretty much the haalat of the brain currently. can take too much. feel like hanging a "handle with care" sign around my neck- because it seems like anything...just about anything could be the proverbial straw. one day im as solid as a rock and then suddenly im as fragile as glass. one day im a creative genius and then next day im as dry as thr sahara desert. as much as being an extremist is part of the arien perosnality, i would like nothing better than to float the mere mediums right now. to not feel the extremes that im used to joyriding on. id love to, for a short while, be a passive numb neither here nor there kind of an existence, then the galloping highs and the burdening lows of life have evened out out somewhat to a more trotting pace- i feel liek just tossing on the seas for a bit, ending up whereever the winds take me, for where i was, i no longer care to be and where im heading i no longer have the burning desire to know. for a while, ill happily bob along the ocean of oblivion. not knowing. not caring. not needing to. happy in the indecision. content in the abandoning of all powers, both negative and positive and at peace inside with the knowledge that i did my best.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Wisdom and Jelly Knees

Somewhere in the fourth year of my career, I should now be a seasoned professional.
One who looks at the client in the eye and wondrous eloquent persuasive words roll off my tongue as easily as my name. Sara Jamil. Sara Jamil. Jara Samil. Hmmm.
Why even today do my knees knock(not that you can tell)? Why even today am I thinking if i even understood the brief well? (when i should know I did) Why (right now) am i sitting doing night duty and fretting about what could go wrong when I pride myself on being able to conserve all positive energies into working their magic for me?
I know i can knock their socks off. I know i can make them listen. Really listen. And think. I just know that language well by now. I should, right?
I know the work. I know my job.
The last couple of lines kind of render this blog useless doesn't it?

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Ctrl Z

Macromedia Freehand 10 has 99 undo's
The option (ctrl Z) is rendered void after a certain number of forward moves made, the number depending on the kind and type of software being used. Much like life. Sometimes life gives you several chances to undo what you have done.
Sometimes not even one.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

i will write this summer.